


Alone and Otherwise

by SassySnowperson (DramaticEntrance)



Series: Tumblr Kiss Prompt Fest [7]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Exhaustion, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, People being patient and gentle with each other, mentions of minor injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 11:58:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15557235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticEntrance/pseuds/SassySnowperson
Summary: Jyn knew she had been hardened into someone that trusted slowly and loved poorly, unfit for any purpose but survival. But she had survived, and she was fiercely proud of that. She did not regret any part of who she was, of who she had become to make her way on her own.And yet, a gentler part of herself—seldom heard and rarely heeded—wondered if maybe the things she had learned had served her poorly, after all. Or perhaps, like tools fit for use, they were no longer the instruments she needed most.A kiss prompt taken from tumblr, "kisses where one person is sitting in the other’s lap."





	Alone and Otherwise

Jyn was exhausted. She knew it intimately, knew it from the thousand tiny betrayals of her body. Her eyes that refused to track, her skin that skittered at every stray sensation, the ache in her joints, the drag of her muscles. Her body had been poorly used, and it was screaming protests. 

The job— _mission, we call them missions_ —hadn't gone poorly. In with the explosives, out with the data, and then boom, one less weapons facility and some fancy new weapon specs for engineering. Entirely according to plan, or, at least, as according to plan as missions ever went. But getting in had required a long hike through scrubland, and getting out had involved...theatrics. She and Cassian had leaped off the roof of the depot, five stories up, and prayed that Bodhi's steady hands on the yoke could catch them. 

They made it, thank the Force, the shuttle was perfectly placed. They flew past the landing ramp and hit the cargo bay floor too fast, a rolling slide that ended with a dull thud into the wall. 

She could still feel that one, her side probably painted with sickly blue-green bruising. Jyn rolled her shoulder as she looked down at her datapad, watching the blue and white that scrolled through, numbers and annotations connected by lines. She couldn't read them. Something old and mournful raised its head in her soul. If she had properly been her father's daughter, she would have known what to make of the data. 

"Nice work, Jyn, Bodhi." Cassian nodded to both of them as he took the datapad out of Jyn's numb fingers. 

"I think we're getting the hang of this," Bodhi said, faint smile on his face. "I managed to get the shuttle to you before anything exploded. That's a clear improvement."

Cassian's laugh barely deserved the name, an exhale with a little more force than usual. Still, there was a smile about him, a relaxation that only came when the job was done. "We're figuring it out. No need to debrief tonight, though. Go get some sleep." 

Sleep. Oblivion had never sounded so lovely, and her eyelids nearly fell shut at the mere thought of it. Instead she shook her head a little, forcing herself to say, "And you? What's the wrap-up look like?"

"I was able to sleep on the return flight, unlike the both of you. Go get some rest. I'll make sure this gets to the right place and then turn in myself." 

Jyn gave a short nod, shoving her hands in her pockets as she slowly turned toward the door. Out of the corner of her eye, Bodhi stood, making his way toward Cassian before wrapping the man in a hug, saying something soft into his ear. Cassian murmured back, some lines in his face hinting even more strongly at a smile. Jyn watched the two of them, Bodhi's ease in Cassian's space causing an ache under her sternum. It was almost like jealousy, but nebulous and without direction. Longing, maybe. Jyn knew she had been hardened into someone that trusted slowly and loved poorly, unfit for any purpose but survival. 

But she had survived, and she was fiercely proud of that. She did not regret any part of who she was, of who she had become to make her way on her own. 

And yet, as she watched the two men and the softness between them, a gentler part of herself—seldom heard and rarely heeded—wondered if maybe the things she had learned had served her poorly, after all. Or perhaps, like tools fit for use, they were no longer the instruments she needed most.

Jyn remembered the line of Cassian's body against hers, leaning against her to hold himself upright, stumbling off Scarif's data tower. She remembered the soft way he had looked at her in the elevator. She had let him in, then, let him close as their world was ending, when the job was done and neither of them were going to make it out. But then they had lived, and Jyn wasn't sure how to let him—how to let _anyone_ that close again. 

Jyn turned to the hallway, her feet protesting the need to take more steps even as her body sang in anticipation of her cot. She was overly tired. Maybe there was value in her bleary musings, but as her brain turned in circles she knew she wouldn't find the truth of things tonight. If it still bothered her in the morning, she would deal with it then. 

The exhaustion made even the simple act of navigating hallways hazardous. The space outside the hanger was busy, and her numb exhaustion was no help in navigating. Jyn barely managed to list against a wall before a squad of pilots jogged by, forced a tech to duck out of her way when she didn't notice him until it was too late, and nearly collided with a grim-looking major balancing three cups of caf. Jyn mumbled words that she hoped resembled apologies, and with grim determination she continued the trudge to her room. 

Back toward the barracks things thinned out, and Jyn was getting close to her door. And her bed. As she rounded the last corner she sped up, anticipation of rest giving her one last burst of energy. Her speed made her careless, and her right foot hit _something_ with an alarming metal clang. She stumbled forward, trying to grab at the wall to correct herself, catching her foot on a...box? 

The box chittered in indignation and darted backward, and Jyn belatedly realized it was a mouse droid. She also belatedly realized she was about to fall over, but aside from her fingers' valiant attempt to grip the smooth wall, there was nothing to be done. Jyn tensed and felt sick in anticipation of her already-battered shoulder hitting the ground hard again. 

"Oh, careful, I've got..." 

Instead of hitting the ground, Jyn's back landed with a soft thud against someone's torso, an arm along her waist trying to lend her some balance. 

"Nevermind, ah, damn." 

And then, despite her would-be rescuer's best efforts, Jyn and the other person landed on the floor in a complicated tangle of limbs. Still, Jyn landed softer than she would have, she winced as she realized her fall had been broken by the other person's body. 

"Sorry," the man said, and Jyn looked up to find Bodhi looking down at her, easy concern on his features. "I'm not sure I actually helped." 

"You broke my fall." Jyn tried to push herself up from her nearly-horizontal sprawl across the floor. Bodhi was already sitting, managing to land with his back against against the corridor wall. He put his hand on her back, and with his help she managed to get upright again, sitting across his thighs, almost as if she had deliberately perched herself in his lap.

Her skin, hypersensitive from exhaustion, hummed at the contact. She hadn't let anyone get this close (aside from the elevator, aside from that desperate bid for connection in the face of death) in years. Her exhaustion must have stripped some of her ever present shell away, because instead of flinching away from the contact, her instinct was to settle in, to burrow close, to be warm and held and safe. 

Jyn's breath caught in her throat. She had no idea what to do with this. 

"You okay?" Bodhi asked. His hand pressed gently against the small of her back before retreating again. Jyn missed the contact as soon as it was gone. 

"Fine," Jyn said. Embarrassment attempted to raise its head and worry at her, but exhaustion refused to let it take hold. She was just tired. 

"And you?" Bodhi asked again. 

Jyn looked around, wondering who witnessed her uncoordinated movements. But the hallway was empty, aside from the droid that caused all the trouble in the first place. 

And that appeared to be exactly who Bodhi was talking to, his eyes fixed on the little droid. It chittered at him, sounding offended. 

"That's not fair," Bodhi said in response. 

"It's blaming me?" Jyn summoned the energy to be indignant. 

Bodhi's hand pressed again at the small of Jyn's back. It soothed back and forth as Bodhi said, "Yes, but know we are very tall and move quickly. You shouldn't hang out that close to a corner."

The droid chittered, less offended, more mournful. 

"Well that's easily enough fixed." Bodhi held out his other hand, gesturing the droid over. It rolled closer, and Jyn stifled the urge to kick it. It wasn't hard to stifle the urge, considering even the thought of moving her feet exhausted her. When the droid settled within arms reach, Bodhi reached out and straightened the little droid's forward sensors. After they clicked back into place, Bodhi asked, "Better?" 

The droid chittered happily, rolled forward and bumped Bodhi's hand, before turning and taking off down the hallway again. That entirely undefinable emotion surged again, as she watched Bodhi be kind. He did it effortlessly, and without any expectation of reward. Had Jyn ever cared so easily? Would she ever care like that again? 

"For what it's worth, I think it's the droid's fault, not yours. Still, it's got to be hard, being six inches tall." Bodhi turned back toward her, slightly rueful smile on his face. "Alright, back to you. Shall we try to stand up again?"

"Yes." Jyn didn't know what else to say. A part of her wanted to tell him about the strange longing her exhaustion was bringing up. It was Bodhi. He wouldn't use vulnerability to hurt her. But even if she was willing to talk, she had never mastered the art of putting words to emotions. She couldn't even talk about her anger, her grief, the emotions she did understand. How on earth was she supposed to discuss the one she couldn't even identify? So instead of saying anything, she just shifted her feet so they were under her. 

With Bodhi's hand bracing her back, she tried to lean up onto her feet. But her head swam as soon as she tried to move, and she collapsed back down against Bodhi. "Fuck. Here, let me—" 

She moved to try again, and was surprised when Bodhi's hand shifted to her waist, holding her against him. "Hey, no hurry. I'm fine. You'll hurt yourself if you stand up just to topple over again. Take your time."

Jyn gave up. Distantly aware that this was probably a bad idea, she let herself lean against Bodhi, resting her head against Bodhi's shoulder. "I'll move in a minute." 

"You're really exhausted, aren't you?" Bodhi settled as he talked, shifting so Jyn leaned more comfortably against him. 

"I didn't sleep." 

"Yeah, I didn't either but you're usually a bit more...persistent than I am." Bodhi's thumb traced along her waist. Jyn suspected he had no idea he was even doing it. he was usually so careful with her. With everyone, really. "I admire that, honestly. I know I tend to get whiny." 

"I mean before the mission. I didn't—" Jyn clenched her jaw, reminded herself that this was Bodhi, Bodhi was careful, he wouldn't take more than he was given. So she felt safe in giving him this: "I had a nightmare. I was back on Wobani. It was bad. I didn't sleep." 

"Been there." Bodhi gave a tired sigh. "It's awful. So you didn't sleep the night before, and then you ran through the whole mission, you had to hike and everything? And then you co-piloted for me on the way back? Shit, Jyn. You should have said something, I can fly her solo for a bit." 

"Nightmares might have come back." Jyn twitched. "I don't like other people knowing." 

"Fair enough," Bodhi said easily. "Want to try again?" 

"No," Jyn said quickly, whine edging around her words. "I just want to be in bed already." 

"Your bedroom is five feet away, isn't it?" 

"Too far." Jyn turned her head against Bodhi's chest and closed her eyes. 

Bodhi's other hand came up brushing at her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She relaxed into the touch. She shouldn't, she should get up and get moving, she should do something other than...this. But her body rebelled, refusing to give up this first taste of comfort in far too long. Bodhi smelled familiar. Not pleasant, he still smelled like ship interiors and stale sweat, but she knew the scent. It was safe. She felt safe. 

Bodhi's head turned towards her, and he rested his cheek against the top of her hair. Once again, giving her exactly what she needed, no demands, no expectations, just present with her. She should probably be more worried about this. She should probably have left already. But she was tired and he was warm and she just wanted to feel close a little while longer. 

They breathed together, slow breaths in and out, and Jyn lost track of the time. She felt herself drift, become unmoored from reality, sleep claiming her gently for the first time in ages. 

"Hey." Bodhi's voice startled her out of her sleep, Jyn gasped and jerked away from his chest. 

Her heart started racing, rabbit fast, as panic broke through exhaustion and she realized she was _cuddling_ with Bodhi in the middle of the hallway, she had fallen over on him and refused to get up, he was going to think she was broken, selfish, stupid— 

"No, none of that, you're fine." Bodhi's voice was soft, his thumb on her waist traced back and forth, deliberate this time, she was sure. It sent a shiver through her, uncertainty keeping her from bolting. Bodhi continued, his voice still soft, "I might be reading this wrong, but..." Bodhi trailed off, looking suddenly nervous himself. But with a look of skittish determination, the same set of his jaw that had guided them into Scarif, he said, "...if we go back to your room, I don't have to leave." 

Jyn stared at him, her mouth dry, that vague longing lighting up and singing through her veins, a siren magnetism that drew her closer. 

"Not—not to do anything. Just," his mouth worked, testing out words until he found the right ones and said, "it seems like you might not want to be alone right now. And you don't have to be." 

Jyn flinched at that, looking away from Bodhi. He relaxed his hold on her waist, but didn't let go, his palm was light against her but still unmistakably _there_. "People leave. I've gotten used to being on my own."

It was a mercy, that he didn't call her on the irony of the situation, her saying that while still sitting on top of him. Instead, he just said quietly, "I know. It's how you survive. I was...it's not so different, really. Once I left Jedha there wasn't—I get it. But it feels different, here. We might be able to do more than survive." 

"I don't know how to not be alone." Jyn shivered as she said the words, the stark reality of her life coming home.

"Takes practice, I think." Bodhi's other hand came up, hesitantly resting at the curve of her jaw, and guiding her face around to meet his. He looked at her, and Jyn was struck by the fact that he saw _her_ , Jyn Erso, not Kestral or Liana or Tanith, or any of the other names she had picked up and worn like armor, throwing them away when they failed to protect her any longer. 

Bodhi looked intent. "You're tired. I don't mean to overwhelm you. But I...I _like_ you. I don't want to see you hurting. If it would help you, having me around, then I'm there. That's all." 

His hand dropped away after that, and he gave her a soft smile. Jyn exhaled slowly, her eyes on Bodhi, on his warm eyes, the gentleness of his expression, the soft curve of his lips. Jyn looked over at him, and words failed her. She had been given so little generosity in her life, she had no idea what to do with it when it was offered so plainly. 

So she kissed him. 

He made a soft noise of surprise against her lips, going stiff underneath her. Jyn pulled back, suddenly worried. "Did you not want—"

And then Bodhi's hand was at her jaw again, guiding her back in, his arm curling around her waist and hitching her closer. Jyn leaned against him and let herself sink into him, one hand coming up to rest along the back of his neck, feeling the shift of his skin as he he kissed her. Jyn hoped he understood her gratitude, understood the gift that his quiet presence had been. She hoped he felt appreciated. Because there was no way she could put this into words, she hoped her actions could somehow speak loud enough. 

When the kiss broke apart, Bodhi didn't let her go far, tucking his forehead against her temple. His breathing had gone ragged, she could feel every hitch and jump of his chest underneath her, as he leaned against her and tried to get control of his breathing again. 

Footsteps echoed down the hallway, and Jyn jerked back, hating her defensiveness even as she knew that there was no way she could expose this fragile intimacy to the light of other people's scrutiny. She wasn't strong enough for that yet. 

Bodhi seemed to understand, no hurt in his face as she scrambled off him, swaying as she made it to standing, leaning heavily against the wall as the world swam with dark spots, her pounding heart and screaming adrenaline only able to do so much in the face of too many days with too little sleep. The footsteps kept coming closer, until finally a broad shouldered man rounded the corner, pausing at the odd sight of Jyn leaning against the wall with Bodhi still sprawled on the floor. 

"Everything okay?" the man asked. 

"Yeah, I tripped." Bodhi said, rubbing at the back of his neck. His words were yet another easy generosity, deflecting the attention off of her. It was more than she deserved. 

But perhaps, she thought, as she watched the man help Bodhi up off the hallway, jokingly dusting off Bodhi's shoulders before going on his way, this wasn't about deserving. Maybe this was just about kindness. Maybe if she watched him long enough she could learn how to be generous too. 

Alone in the hallway again, Bodhi turned to her. "I wasn't expecting that." 

Jyn gave him a small smile. It felt lopsided on her face, her muscles not used to joy. A far easier expression of cheer crossed his own in response. "I wasn't either," she admitted, and dug her way out from the shield surrounding her to add, "but I did enjoy it." 

Jyn closed her eyes for a long moment, sleep-thickness making her thoughts come slowly. She wanted... She should… 

Jyn opened her eyes again. "Stay?" 

"Sure." 

She opened the door. She let Bodhi in. They could figure out the rest as it came.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes! Still slowly working my way through the tumblr kiss prompts. We're getting there. Slowly, surely. 
> 
> Want to come talk to me? [ Tumblr is a good place for that!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sassysnowperson)


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